My Congressman went to D.C. and all I got was this stupid crab pot…

by Suzanne Bowdey

Now don’t get me wrong. Learning to weatherize your home is an important skill for everyone—including African Heritage Dancers—to learn. But should it really take $935,000 stimulus dollars? Heck, I’ll change your water heater for a cool half-mil. Unfortunately, this is just one of the 50,000 projects raking in part of the $787 billion American Recovery plan. While Congress debates a stimulus sequel, Sens. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) and John McCain (R-Ariz.) have released a list of 100 worst abuses in the Recovery Act. (Do yourself a favor. Don’t eat before reading). When you can barely scrape together enough money for your phone bill, it should give you a warm feeling to know that somewhere in Arkansas, kids are playing with their new iPod Touches. (You shouldn’t have!) Here are some of the highlights. Apparently, a mind isn’t the only terrible thing to waste on Capitol Hill.

7. Program to control home appliances from a remote location ($787,250)–Because we aren’t lazy enough.

9. Dinner cruise terror prevention ($943,190)–And you were just worried about your date having a good time…

11. Napa Valley wine train ($54 million)–We’re out of white, but still in the red.

14. Puppet shows ($100,000)–They’re not just for Congress anymore.

24. “Bobber the Water Safety Dog” costumes ($21,116)–Up debt’s creek with a doggy paddle.

25. Shakespearean festivals ($225,000)–Frailty, thy name is economy.

26. Clown ballet ($25,000)–Because Congress hates dancing alone.

32. Surf and squat rest stops ($13.8 million)–Toilets and WiFi. Every man’s dream.

34. The evolution of the football glove ($150,000)–Forget evolution. How about intelligent design?

38. Recovering crab pots at sea ($700,000)–If only they cared about U.S. recovery this much.

40. Martini bar remodel ($100,000)– ♥ Olive the stimulus ♥

42. Stimulus road signs ($1.3 million)–Dead end ahead.

43. Fish art ($122,000)–Funding Nemo?

44. Fish food ($50 million)–Surely it’s cheaper at Petco.

45. Museum dedicated to man’s relationship with the horse ($1.2 million)–Um, doesn’t this violate DOMA?

50. Study on ant colonies ($950,000)–If only there was a farm we could put those ants to work on.

58. “Math and literacy coaches”… for teachers ($4.4 million)–Those who can’t, teach.

61. Study on female rat sex drive ($30,000)–Do we really want to encourage lobbyists to mate?

68. Dragon boat festival ($10,000)–Heck, we can’t even keep our government afloat.

70. Storytelling festival ($15,000)–Save the fifteen grand and watch a press conference with Nancy Pelosi.

77. Fire station, firefighters not included ($2 million)– You’ll need to add more than water.

81. Brooklyn Property Owners ($270,000)–Hey, slumlords are people too!